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The Web Ask PATCAM

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Just think

how many babies will be born in Sept 2013 if the world does not end In Dec 2012...

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I never thought

I would be one of those people who get up early to hit the gym every day. I was right.

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Brett Favre

could be lying dead in a coffin and I still wouldn't believe he's retiring.

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Just finished installing

child locks on all my cupboards. Now let's see them try and get out of there!

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You call it

"Man vs. Food" and I'll call it "Keeping Up With The Kardashians."

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Avoid "Online Dating Sites"

 because they match you up with people who share your interests and you don't want to go out with a weirdo.

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I tried to play

Water Polo once, but my horse drowned...

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Personal info

 of millions of Facebook users leaked. I want everyone to know that I was drunk when I became a "Fan" of "Bananarama."

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I think

I registered some of you as a Level 3 Sex Offenders online last night. I need to stop drinking in front of the computer...

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My conspiracy theory

is that you're ALL in on it.

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That last joke

would've been funnier if I had done it in 3D...

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Thinking

I may spin off a movie to compete with this Piranha madness, with an old slant. I shall call it "Sharks on a Train..."

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Every time

I see a Roto-Rooter truck, I pray it's not my fault.

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New term

I may have created after a visit to Wal-Mart: "Meth-MILF."

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Wow...... Piranhas...... Really?

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Just saw a bunch of junior high kids

fighting each other and did what any Good Samaritan would do...put all of my money on the fat kid.

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If Canada

is America's hat, then Justin Bieber is head lice.

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Changing

the Obama bumpersticker on my car to "Yes, we could have..."

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I bet if Abe Lincoln were still alive,

 he'd be looking at Obama like "You owe me, dude. Big Time!"

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Chris Brown joined a charity group

which supports women who are victims of domestic violence. So, I guess the moral here is if you can't beat them, join them.

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Given their intense fixation on booty,

it's a wonder that pirates ever got anything done.

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It's so hot

I'm sweating yogurt.

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It's always darkest before dawn.

So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

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In hell

your cellphone only allows incoming calls from telemarketers peddling cellphones.

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If you can't say something nice,

we're probably related.

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Kids these gays.....

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There was a time

 when you could club your chick over the head and drag her by her hair back to your place. I wasn't there but, I miss those times.

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Just thought

of a great new reality/wedding/UFC TV show called "Mailorder Cage Match". 20 brides go in, 1 comes out!

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If a Lawyer and an IRS agent

were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

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‎""Jesse James & Kat Von D Cozy Up In Las Vegas."

When combined, their tattoos depict an accurate road map to herpes.

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This Just In:

"Same-Sex Marriage To Resume in California August 18th OverRULED." Divorces can continue on as usual.

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If Kanye West

is half rapper and half artist, doesn't that make him a rapist?

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In hell

none of the bathrooms have wireless coverage.

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I wonder

how an actual 'pissing match' would work.

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I went to a freak show

and they let me in for free...?

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Why be difficult,

when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

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Monday, August 16, 2010

How Old

 will Garth Brooks be before he grows into that hat?

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Last night

I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime who lives next door went nuts.

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What if

the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?

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I'm just $100 short

of reaching my goal of getting you to give me $100

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Saturday, August 14, 2010

Last night

I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime who lives next door went nuts.

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Friday, August 13, 2010

Don't you hate it when

the Nyquil wears off and everybody's all like, "License and Insurance please....?"

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Just saw a cute little boy

 eating a HUGE cookie, I taught him a lesson about loss that I'm sure he'll appreciate someday.

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Fact:

An overly friendly neighbor is scarier than a neighbor who eats people.

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Thursday, August 12, 2010

It's like Jefferey Dahmer used to say:

"Home is where the heart is."

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After intensive research

I have determined that there is no type of juice that a double shot of vodka doesn't improve.

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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Writing a new book called

"The Schizophrenic: an unauthorized autobiography"

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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

POKER TIP:

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

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Steven Winterburn (Twit)

I read that smoking is bad so I stopped smoking, I read drinking is bad so I stopped drinking, I read that sex is bad so no more reading.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. Well, I say recovering; I have a hangover.

I dated a blind girl once. Her name was ⋮ ⋯ ⋰ ∴ ∵ ∶ ∷ ⋱

I've never really grown up, I've really only learned how to act in public.

Chocolate is a vegetable, it comes from a plant.

Relationships are like farts. If you push too hard, things can get messy.

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Best Worst Advice (Twit)

Forgot a co-worker's name? Use a racial slur.

Looking for a low-carb lunch that will fill you up? Mix some Metamucil with Everclear.

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Winning at the Teen Choice Awards

is like beating Precious in a Spelling Bee: Far from newsworthy.

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Ladies,

 if a douchebag comes up to you with that lame "What's your sign?" line., just tell him that it's a stop sign.

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I have CDO.

It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be.

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Monday, August 9, 2010

Sign at the Optometrist' office

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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Sunday, August 8, 2010

Watched "The Hangover"

it's basically just "Saving Private Ryan" in Vegas...

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T and G are too close together on a keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again

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Saturday, August 7, 2010

First, Alaska brought us Sarah Palin.


Now, "smoked salmon flavored vodka." Can we get a restraining order against them?

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"NASCAR Crash Exposes Safety Concerns."

You know, beyond the whole "driving 228 mph thing."

Sunday was a day Elliott Sadler won't soon forget. On lap 165 of the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Pennsylvania 500, Kurt Busch and Jimmie Johnson came together on the back stretch. Busch hit the outside wall and was sent spinning down across the track and into the inside guard rail. Read Full Story

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Why are single women thin?

They come home, look in the fridge and go to bed. Married Women come home, look in the bed and go to the fridge...

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Friday, August 6, 2010

Mohandus Gandhi


ate little making him frail & with odd diet he had bad breath - A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

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Wish I could

put Jose Cuervo on 'repeat' in my iFridge. Now THAT's what I call technology....

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This August:

...has 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays, 5 Tuesdays, all in one month. It happens once in 823 years. At exactly 06 mins and 07 seconds after 5 o’clock on Aug 9th 2010, it will be 05:06:07 08/09/10.

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The picture that got Mom thrown in jail.

There was this "Like"-able link on Facebook that was supposed to take you to see this picture and as it turned out it was some kind of highjack ap that stole the passwords of the people that let it 'take control' of their account. Well I never go to see the picture because all the links kept doing was taking you to more garbage, why not take a quiz it said, click here to take 2 dress sizes off in two weeks. I hate it when you run across crap like that, so anyway here is the photo if you didn't get to see it either.....

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Incomplete weekend plan:


Use remaining pile of illegal fireworks, inadvertently light head on fire, become eyebrowless YouTube sensation.

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President Obama said he doesn't know who Snooki is.

Sadly, it's a safe bet she's never heard of him either. Snooki was "funneling" booze on National TV. However people with her brainwave activity usually take their nourishment through a tube.

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Dropping your monocle into your tea in shock has been replaced by saying

 "...and I was like "Whaaaat!?"

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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

 A fsh.

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When you are arguing with an idiot,

 make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.

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Suburbia:

Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

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Did you hear about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible but the reception was terrific...

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What does Snoop Dogg use to color his hair?

Blee-Otch

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I think copy & paste is the greatest invention ever I think copy & paste is the greatest invention ever I think copy & paste is the greatest invention ever I think copy & paste is the greatest invention ever...... 

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Irony:

it's really hard if you suffer from impotency....

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Removed....

[ this Post has been removed due to legal action by the Church of Scientology ]

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I was a child genius. Unfortunately I grew out of it.

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And now.... a haiku:

I ask, what is love? / Baby, don't hurt me, hurt me. / Don't hurt me, no more."

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What do you call a cow with no legs?

..... Ground beef.

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WARNING:

The consumption of PAT's BBQ makes your clothes shrink.

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Joke Hoarding Starts on This Site TODAY!!!

If you watch Lord of the Rings backwards its about a midget who gets a ring from a volcano & spends the rest of the time walking home.

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